I ask myself at least once a day, "If I had plenty of money would I leave?" As someone looking on at my situation I would think the answer would be YES!! But looking at it from inside myself, really thinking about the possibility, Im not so sure. There are more reasons than just the online mess that would make me want to leave, but the one fact, the worst fact is that I really like being with him. I always have, it's been the main distinguishing feature of my relationship with him. I've never felt this way about anyone. I miss him when he's gone, it feels like he is part of me. For the first few years I felt as if I had met my other half.
On the other hand, I'm miserable and can't continue like this for long. I do have a fantasy about living somewhere by myself, doing the things I want to do, having my home the way I want it to be. I suppose I don't want to have to go through the inevitable amount of pain it will take to get from her to there, at least not by my initiation. Something more for me to really think about.
Jane
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Coping with all the Emotions of the Online Affairs
As I stated at the beginning of this blog, my only credentials on this subject is that I am going through it, or so I think. In some ways what is going on doesn't seem so clear cut.
For instance, there have been several opportunities where my husband could have covered time... said he was still at work and be doing something else.
There have been no unexplained chunks of time, not even small chunks. How I know that is another post.
So, I decided to sort through some of the other blogs about this subject and founs a very good one, which I think I will revisit often.
<http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com> by Jeff Murrah.
Today, since my last blog I mentioned just how furious I was feeling..not angry, but blood boiling furious, I found some posts about just that subject. Then it goes on to fear, both of course steps in the grieving process. Because yes, I am grieving because what I though I had for a marriage will never be there.
Back to Jeff Murrah blog. Here is the posts on anger.
For today,
Jane
For instance, there have been several opportunities where my husband could have covered time... said he was still at work and be doing something else.
There have been no unexplained chunks of time, not even small chunks. How I know that is another post.
So, I decided to sort through some of the other blogs about this subject and founs a very good one, which I think I will revisit often.
<http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com> by Jeff Murrah.
Today, since my last blog I mentioned just how furious I was feeling..not angry, but blood boiling furious, I found some posts about just that subject. Then it goes on to fear, both of course steps in the grieving process. Because yes, I am grieving because what I though I had for a marriage will never be there.
Back to Jeff Murrah blog. Here is the posts on anger.
For today,
Jane
Monday, September 19, 2011
Adultery
I don't think enough can be said about the emotional impact on the cheated on spouse. My feelings are on a roller coaster. If you read previous posts you can see that at times I just tried to see the humor or stupidity in the online dating profiles I saw, other times I am confused, but lately I have been furious. To the point where I didn't think I could keep my mouth shut. It would take hours to calm down.
The last two days I think I have sunk into a depression and worst of all it seems as if my feelings toward him are changing.
I heard someone say once, you'll love them madly, hate them madly, but when there are no feelings is when you know it's over.
Don't know if that is where I am, but there is an emotional chasm opening up.
Jane
The last two days I think I have sunk into a depression and worst of all it seems as if my feelings toward him are changing.
I heard someone say once, you'll love them madly, hate them madly, but when there are no feelings is when you know it's over.
Don't know if that is where I am, but there is an emotional chasm opening up.
Jane
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Confront a Cheating Husband? Probably Not Yet
Since the last post I have gone round and round in my head....it's difficult not to say something...I already made one mistake. I logged in as one of his profiles and viewed his other one. I'm sure he hasn't noticed this yet.
There are a lot of things I need to take care of before I let this blow up in my face.
I found this put very well in an article I found. Here is the link, but the best section for me right now is the one titled "Suspicion Tends to Help Cheaters".
The last thing I want right now is for him to tunnel under ground and hide what he is doing. I know if I confront him right now with what I know he will lie and probably get mad and leave using the excuse that "if that's what you want to believe." I've heard it before. Anyway, I'm trying to keep my cool. Not very easy right now.
Until later,
Jane
There are a lot of things I need to take care of before I let this blow up in my face.
I found this put very well in an article I found. Here is the link, but the best section for me right now is the one titled "Suspicion Tends to Help Cheaters".
The last thing I want right now is for him to tunnel under ground and hide what he is doing. I know if I confront him right now with what I know he will lie and probably get mad and leave using the excuse that "if that's what you want to believe." I've heard it before. Anyway, I'm trying to keep my cool. Not very easy right now.
Until later,
Jane
Thursday, September 8, 2011
A Cheating Spouse Online Now
This wasn't the next post that I planned to write but circumstances dictate it.
Last week I had noticed things seemed awfully quiet on my husbands favorite (for now) online dating sites. (about 6 related sister sites). He works two days a week where he is able to be online and while I am at home I log in to the profiles I set up and look to see if he logs in.
Well, I had noticed a sudden lack of activity, so I thought maybe he had changed his hunting ground, but by a twist of fate, last night I found out the truth.
He was at work and I was logged in to all the sites with his screen name searched for and brought up....let's just call him "cheatingspouse2011" and for some reason, I though that maybe I should start the search fresh, plug in the age range and zip code (thankfully, I live in a relatively small city) and what do I find, but he has a new profile on the same sites......"cheatingspouse20111234".......he didn't even bother to change zip code, or any other details, except that now instead of being divorced looking for nothing serious, he is separated, looking for relationship and marriage.
Am I being fired?!! I was furious.....and really had to follow my own advice and not call and confront him and let myself simmer down. I did manage to log into one of the sites as his new alias and fought the temptation to upload a profile picture for him...namely of a donkeys ass!
So, once again I'm faced with the dichotomy of him and I getting along so well, I enjoy his company, he goes on and on how he loves me and how I better love him, but there he is pulling this crap. It feels like a major mind game. No matter how everything else seems about my life....I can only pretend for so long that the core isn't rotten. There are things I need to take care of before I can afford to say anything. I need to pay down my debt and wait on some family issues.
So for now,
Jane
Last week I had noticed things seemed awfully quiet on my husbands favorite (for now) online dating sites. (about 6 related sister sites). He works two days a week where he is able to be online and while I am at home I log in to the profiles I set up and look to see if he logs in.
Well, I had noticed a sudden lack of activity, so I thought maybe he had changed his hunting ground, but by a twist of fate, last night I found out the truth.
He was at work and I was logged in to all the sites with his screen name searched for and brought up....let's just call him "cheatingspouse2011" and for some reason, I though that maybe I should start the search fresh, plug in the age range and zip code (thankfully, I live in a relatively small city) and what do I find, but he has a new profile on the same sites......"cheatingspouse20111234".......he didn't even bother to change zip code, or any other details, except that now instead of being divorced looking for nothing serious, he is separated, looking for relationship and marriage.
Am I being fired?!! I was furious.....and really had to follow my own advice and not call and confront him and let myself simmer down. I did manage to log into one of the sites as his new alias and fought the temptation to upload a profile picture for him...namely of a donkeys ass!
So, once again I'm faced with the dichotomy of him and I getting along so well, I enjoy his company, he goes on and on how he loves me and how I better love him, but there he is pulling this crap. It feels like a major mind game. No matter how everything else seems about my life....I can only pretend for so long that the core isn't rotten. There are things I need to take care of before I can afford to say anything. I need to pay down my debt and wait on some family issues.
So for now,
Jane
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Are You Married to a Cheating Spouse?
How do you find a cheating husband? A lot of ways. Today, I'm going to talk about free online people searches.
First of all I want to mention that if you do searches using any of these search options today...you need to repeat them occasionally. Information changes and I found that new information, screen names, email addresses don't show up right away. Oh, and sometimes they don't show up at all. My husband has an extra email address....or two or three, and they don't show up using theses options.
The other caution I will mention is that sometimes these people searches combine information of two people. So don't make a rash decision based on what you find until you have done more fact finding.
In other words, these ideas are just options and what you find may send you in a direction to find out what you really need to know.
If you google people searches you will come up with probably all these sites I'm going to mention. Why do I bother mentioning them? Because using them is part of my story and I want to give you my personal experience with them.
there is 123people.com, wink, isearch, radaris, pipl and spokeo that I have used the most. And there is always good old whitepages.com, your basic online phone book.
Wink seems to base most of it's information on MyLife....which I know for a fact isn't always correct and you can't view the information anyway...unless of course you have a paid MyLife account.
123people.com gives you a lot of information for your search but obviously a lot of what you find is determined by the name you are searching for...how common is it...the size of the town or city and any other distinguishing details about a person. You can search by email, phone number etc.
I like Radaris...though it can be overwhelming it does give you a lot of information to go through.
I use Pipl.com and Spokeo.com a lot. Search for yourself and see how much information comes up (it's a good idea to do this periodically anyway) and see how accurate it is. Never correct anything by the links offered to you on any of the sites. A lot of the information these sites have are given to them...so don't make it easy for them to have your information.
One of the frustrations I experience is that a lot of the information returned is from social networking sites....and yes, I did find a myspace profile on my husband where he says he is single, but for the most part I'm hoping to find info on dating sites. I haven't found as of yet, a dating profile search engine. Though sometimes Google.com is the best way to go. google your spouses' email, screen name, even name plus location. I googled my husband friend finder profile name and came up with two hits.
The same as with the dating sites....using these search engines will give you information that can be ignored on other sites....screen names of other people come up here and you'll see them elsewhere. The same tip I gave you in a previous post.
Don't forget, if you have an experience I'd like to hear it and share the information or if you have a question you can send me a message and I'll answer it on my blog so everyone can benefit and you can remain anonymous.
Until then,
Jane
First of all I want to mention that if you do searches using any of these search options today...you need to repeat them occasionally. Information changes and I found that new information, screen names, email addresses don't show up right away. Oh, and sometimes they don't show up at all. My husband has an extra email address....or two or three, and they don't show up using theses options.
The other caution I will mention is that sometimes these people searches combine information of two people. So don't make a rash decision based on what you find until you have done more fact finding.
In other words, these ideas are just options and what you find may send you in a direction to find out what you really need to know.
If you google people searches you will come up with probably all these sites I'm going to mention. Why do I bother mentioning them? Because using them is part of my story and I want to give you my personal experience with them.
there is 123people.com, wink, isearch, radaris, pipl and spokeo that I have used the most. And there is always good old whitepages.com, your basic online phone book.
Wink seems to base most of it's information on MyLife....which I know for a fact isn't always correct and you can't view the information anyway...unless of course you have a paid MyLife account.
123people.com gives you a lot of information for your search but obviously a lot of what you find is determined by the name you are searching for...how common is it...the size of the town or city and any other distinguishing details about a person. You can search by email, phone number etc.
I like Radaris...though it can be overwhelming it does give you a lot of information to go through.
I use Pipl.com and Spokeo.com a lot. Search for yourself and see how much information comes up (it's a good idea to do this periodically anyway) and see how accurate it is. Never correct anything by the links offered to you on any of the sites. A lot of the information these sites have are given to them...so don't make it easy for them to have your information.
One of the frustrations I experience is that a lot of the information returned is from social networking sites....and yes, I did find a myspace profile on my husband where he says he is single, but for the most part I'm hoping to find info on dating sites. I haven't found as of yet, a dating profile search engine. Though sometimes Google.com is the best way to go. google your spouses' email, screen name, even name plus location. I googled my husband friend finder profile name and came up with two hits.
The same as with the dating sites....using these search engines will give you information that can be ignored on other sites....screen names of other people come up here and you'll see them elsewhere. The same tip I gave you in a previous post.
Don't forget, if you have an experience I'd like to hear it and share the information or if you have a question you can send me a message and I'll answer it on my blog so everyone can benefit and you can remain anonymous.
Until then,
Jane
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