Preemptive Phone Call AKA Cheaters Do Not Disturb Sign

The phone call you make to someone in order to prevent a phone call later when you don't want to be disturbed or found out.
In retrospect my husband used to make these phone calls to me quite frequently. It wasn't until later that I realized their purpose. To satisfy me and keep me out of his hair.
Some years ago he was working in Kentucky for 45 days. Each evening when he got off of his 12 hour shift he would call me for a quick 5 minutes or so and then that was it. On other jobs he had been prone to call me as frequently as possible.
At the time it struck me as odd but later as I received more of those preemptive phone calls I realized that he had something going on there and called to assuage me and then be on his way for the evening.

After all of this time why am I dwelling on this now? Because 4 months after he has moved out I received one of these phone calls. He called to let me know that he was turning his phone off because he was going into a VA appointment. He's been to many VA appointments in these 4 months and we've never exchanged a word about them.  Weeks go by without us talking to each other and other than one phone call in these 4 months I haven't called him.

So why would he feel the need to call me to let me know he will be unavailable? You got it. My friend said I should have found a reason to call him, but why bother, he may make the mistake and think I care.

And, the next question to ask is why would he bother, why does he care to keep me on the hook or in dry storage!!!

This is the next question that so many people don't ask. The answer is in Chump Lady's post and reconciliation and entitlement.  If you haven't read it I suggest you do.

The only thing that this brings up for me is I always find myself wondering how much I missed in clues about his cheating ways before I really woke up.

Until next time
Jane

How to Read A Bank Deposit Slip

If it's regarding a deposit made by a less than trustworthy spouse.

My husband received a large chunk of money. After doing the right thing, for the first time in 10 years, he paid off credit cards and still had close to $15,000 left over.
Since he had moved out of the house I hoped he would pay the lease on an apartment or at less rent a storage unit and get his crap out of the house.

He's going to put some of it in a CD at his new credit union. Great idea.

He even brings me the deposit slip to show me. $6,000

A week or so later I get the mail and there's a letter from his new bank with online information. I log in (he did tell me the statements would come to the house, but why wait) and there it is. He made the $6,000 deposit, accepted the deposit slip (to show to me) and then withdrew $4,000.

A few days later a confirmation of the $6,000 deposit to the CD comes and a week later when the bank statement comes, the CD info isn't included. For all I know, he went again and closed it out.

So he figured he would show me the deposit and that it would take another month for the statement to come with the updated amount.

So it makes me wonder how many other similar scams has he pulled on me?

Until next time

Jane

I Live on a One Way Street

Yes I do.
He can shop around and cheat, I wouldn't.
He can yell at me over the littlest things....I can never raise my voice.
It's all  my fault.....of course!!!!

He asked me if I knew how to do something with my computer....something I didn't do often but I did. So it was taking me a minute to remember the steps.
The fall out??? He starts yelling at me, furious, I'm so stupid and I never listen.
And....drum roll because from what I have read, this is the stuff from a cheaters endgame...."It's" all my fault.

Great, that means I don't need to remind him of appointments anymore....keep track of his obligations, tests, classes, his Mother!!!!

Why, the same day I was notified of my total incompetence I relieved myself of having to remind him of a payment he needed to make.....I remembered....hell, he didn't even understand the invoice when it was sent to him.  Late that night he said "I forgot to pay $$$$" and I looked at him and thought..."I didn't, asshole."

I've also stopped making decisions. Should we change out internet provided.....beats me....I'm no longer doing all the research and making all the phone calls and then having it thrown back at me later because it's not perfect.

Now, maybe I can devote more time to my life!!!

Until next time,

Jane

Find Hidden Dating Profiles

Just like the title says...only this is a different way then I've already talked about and I found it quite by accident.

I'll explain how I found this back way into a dating site and you can take it and run with it.

I knew my husband was on several sites all belonging to one company. It's common for one company to have several niche dating sites. When I logged in under my profile they will show ads running down the sides for their other sites, telling me I had mail on that site with a link to automatically log in.

They also have ads for sites I don't belong to and say join or sign up.

The third permutation is the ads with wording such as "Contact Her/Him" or "Start Dating Now."
If you click on them and you don't already belong you will be prompted to sign up.

But here is the punch line. I had already figured out that if I logged into one of his profiles and browsed around keeping an eye on the ads I could jump from site to site seeing which ones he has his profile on.
I also found out, that if I haven't logged out of my profiles and I am in one of his, the ad on the side will say he has mail on another site but when I click it, it takes me to my profile.

So......if perchance I am in one of mine and see a sign in to another one....if he hasn't logged out of his, then I would be able to jump from mine to his.

Now my husband is very methodical, I can't imagine him not logging out (and we don't even share a computer, I'm sure it is done using our ISP) but your significant or insignificant as it were, other may not be so careful.

Until next time,

Jane

Credit Check

Sometimes you get a credit card offer in the mail and it has one of those flimsy cardboard type cards with the offer.

Sometimes you get a credit card in the mail already with your name and expiration date on it! Just like my husband did last week. One was for a regular card with a $300 limit and the other was for a pre-paid. I happened to get the mail those days and he claims he never applied for them.

So I said okay....like I am really that stupid and I cut them up.

Until next time........can anyone else hear the circus music????

Jane

Whine Dine and Wedding Rings

Okay, I'm not going to rehash the whole drama of my husband coming home with out his wedding ring on and even leaving in the morning without it on. You can read that post yourself here.

Last night he come home without it and never put it back on. We went out to grab a bite to eat. No ring. The point is this: he isn't even aware anymore when he doesn't have it on.
I feel naked without mine!!

So when we get back home, I ask where is it. He comes out to watch TV in his sweats with it on.
When I ask why, he says "You were whining so I put it on."

WTF?? Whining?  I must be really nagging when I tell him to stay out of the dating sites.

I'm still broke, in debt without a job. I don't see this ending well at all.

Unitl next time,

Jane

What to Say to My Cheating Husband

Last post I was angry, seeing red angry.
Today I am sad.
Most mornings I wake up sad. Sad settles in before I have a chance to fortify myself against it.
When I wake up it is very early so there aren't any outside distractions to chase sad away.
Nope, every morning I wake up and wade through an emotional soup of angry, sad, lost, hurt, frustrated and at some point I settle on one of them and have a minor melt down. Then I stand on top of all my feelings and jam them back into the place they hide all day.
And it all comes back to my husband. I was rereading a ChumpLady post this morning about what to say to your cheater. And she reminded me that there is no use in saying anything. They don't care!!!

I have been fighting the urge to say something to him. I hate keeping my mouth shut when I know he is online. Wouldn't it be funny to send little pop up chat messages to him from about 5 different profiles on the site saying things like "cheater cheater", "Hi 'his name'",   "say hi to your wife for me", "hey jerkface" and so on.

Or tell him I know you are still doing this. But he doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't have done it the first time and certainly wouldn't have continued to do it after I told him it was unacceptable. So there you have it.

I'm in the same stuck spot I was when I started this post.

Lesson learned?  The first time I should have told him to leave. That's it. No please don't do that, don't do it again. Nope, time to go, he knew from the beginning that that sort of behavior was a deal breaker.

until next time,

Jane