What to Say to My Cheating Husband

Last post I was angry, seeing red angry.
Today I am sad.
Most mornings I wake up sad. Sad settles in before I have a chance to fortify myself against it.
When I wake up it is very early so there aren't any outside distractions to chase sad away.
Nope, every morning I wake up and wade through an emotional soup of angry, sad, lost, hurt, frustrated and at some point I settle on one of them and have a minor melt down. Then I stand on top of all my feelings and jam them back into the place they hide all day.
And it all comes back to my husband. I was rereading a ChumpLady post this morning about what to say to your cheater. And she reminded me that there is no use in saying anything. They don't care!!!

I have been fighting the urge to say something to him. I hate keeping my mouth shut when I know he is online. Wouldn't it be funny to send little pop up chat messages to him from about 5 different profiles on the site saying things like "cheater cheater", "Hi 'his name'",   "say hi to your wife for me", "hey jerkface" and so on.

Or tell him I know you are still doing this. But he doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't have done it the first time and certainly wouldn't have continued to do it after I told him it was unacceptable. So there you have it.

I'm in the same stuck spot I was when I started this post.

Lesson learned?  The first time I should have told him to leave. That's it. No please don't do that, don't do it again. Nope, time to go, he knew from the beginning that that sort of behavior was a deal breaker.

until next time,

Jane

Return to Sender.....Email Address Unknown

Today I was done.
Every evening my husband logs into, from emails that are sent to him,  1 or more of 7 dating sites he has profiles on, all that come to his main email account.

I've mentioned before how he thinks he is so sneaky doing it while I am in the same room. Of course I can log in the next morning and see exactly what he was doing. Each morning I am furious. So this morning, once my heart rate slowed down, I decided there was only one way to keep him from doing it. For these particular ones anyway.

I logged in to Benaughty, Cupid, Wildbuddies, Cheekylovers, Girlsdateforfree, Flirt and ClickandFlirt and  "updated" his email. I changed it to one of his old email addresses. Of course I logged in to that account and confirmed the changes. So even if he squirreled away any old emails if he tries to log in from the embedded link or typing in his email address and password, he won't be able to get in.

I hope I am home when he tries to log in.

Chuckle,

Jane

Revenge on Cheating Spouse

I saw this article/video this morning. In itself it is interesting and I think many of us understand how this man felt when finding his wife on a dating site.

But what was even more interesting to me were the comments about the article. A lot of men commenting on having been cheated on and how hurt and betrayed they felt.

On my blog here, I get a lot of women readers and seekers as shown to me by my blogger stats. The search words and phrases that land people on my blog are searches about cheating husbands...even though I have cheating spouses as tag words on my entries.

And we all know that women cheat too, though I am guilty of seeing all men as potential cheaters. So it was a needed reminder for me to read about men having the same hurt feelings and betrayal as I have felt.

30 Days of Fun for One Low Price

Until recently to pay for access of Adult Friend Finder, or any of their other sites, which was the only way to be able to view someone's complete profile or interact with them,  was a decent chunk of change per month. But worth it if that's what you want.

But suppose you don't want that sort of recurring financial commitment?

Now you can pay $2.95 in order to see one members profile and have access to seeing it for 30 days.

It's called a "single profile view"

I was trying to see how the charge would be labeled, but can't find that information at this time.

I do have that information for some of the other sites, good to know. After all, who would be suspicious of a $3 charge on their husbands credit card or bank account?

Until next time,

Jane

Cheating on the Go

There's a site Singlesaroundme that boasts an app for you cell phone that allows you to see on a map anyone from the same dating site that may be in the vicinity.

I haven't made a profile for this site as I don't use internet on my phone and wouldn't want that on my phone anyway.

Funny though, my husband Mr. "I only want to make phone calls on my cell" has transformed into Mr. "I want a smart phone." Hmmm. I can put him off for awhile but eventually he'll get one unless of course he has already bought a prepaid one. It wouldn't surprise me.

Just another way for creepy people to be just that, creepy spouses.

Until next time,

Jane

Time to Come Clean

I had a moment today when I asked myself..."Did my husband really over explain why he was going to take a shower before going to work today?"  Really. I have never heard him give me reasons for showering. Red flag anyone?

Funny too, because the past few weeks he has been very nostalgic about when we first got together and how pretty I look in pictures and so on. And I have to admit that I did sit back and become a bit complacent......wouldn't it be so easy if he gave up his old ways and I could settle back down with the man I thought I had fallen in love with, but every so often the truth would bubble up to the surface and eventually and I had to remind myself of the facts. Multiple online dating profiles from before he met me and after. Those after he met me spanning over several years, the last few AFTER I told him it was unacceptable to me.

All I can do is enjoy what ever decent time we have together, not forget the truth and keep preparing. So that's where it stands today.

Until next time,

Jane

Lost in MS City, Utah

And why are all the men on certain dating sites from there? I've mentioned the Benaughty Upforit, Shagaholic, Plentyofmature, Sugarbbw websites and there are many more sister sites. But one thing I haven't covered is this, for some reason if you sign up for one of their dating sites, the default location seems to be MS City, Utah. That's where you will be located if you aren't paying attention.

The problem is for every site my husband has one or two versions of his original profile, he also has a MS City, Utah version too. It's gets a bit complicated because if you do a search for your spouse using MS City, there are a disproportionate amount of profiles for that area. There are approx 120,000  of both men and women in Ms City. I get fewer hits in a search for my husband in a much larger metropolitan area than I do in Utah because so many profiles are lost here.

I see profiles in my regular search and I also see many of the same people or some permutation there of in the MS City searches I do.

Until next time,

Jane

User Name Look Up True Dater

There is a site I have run across several time  http://truedater.com/   TrueDater. Search for daters by username.  Pretty simple, you type in a username and if they are in their database a list of the sites, social and some dating sites shows up with a little of their info. At the bottom is a list of other screen names they are known to use.

Though the only way this will work well is if the info has been put in their. This relies on people feeding the site the info.

It's a place for some of you to start placing info you know is accurate. Or searching as well. Of course if a married person has a user name but never was found out for being a cheater they wouldn't be in the database.

And if the person cheated with may not care enough to complain.

I need to think about this more, there must be a way for people to put their spouses info out there and see if anyone else has more information.

Until next time,

Jane

Time Travel on the Internet

I admit I spend a certain amount of time retro searching for my husband's online profiles. As I stated at the start of this blog, finding a list of email address was the start of discovering his tendency towards cheating online. Then using those old email addresses to collect info on old dating profiles. As a result, I find myself searching or retro searching for old profiles in order to glean information or tendencies from them.

Considering that in the four years alone, before my husband met me he probably worked in 40 to 50 different places. Some places he was only there for a few weeks, others for months.

One way I do this is to use a profile I have created, say on adult friend finder, and do a search in one of those cities that I know he stayed in for several weeks or more. So far this hasn't turned up anything I hadn't already known.

Until next time,

Jane

How to Find Your Husband on Craigslist

When I check the stats for this blog I can see the search words or phrases used and since so many of them are asking the question of how to find their spouse (mostly 'husband') on a particular site I want to reiterate the reason for this blog.

Though many of my posts are somewhat of a 'review' for the different sites I don't want anyone to get the idea I am advocating using them. If you  are single that is your business but note the warnings about scams, fake profiles and other pitfalls of these sites. Not that that is true of all of them.

But, back to what I am trying to say. My 'reviews' are to help other people figure out how to find spouses on these sites and also to realize how much their spouses may actually be able to do on some of them. There are some I have mentioned that all they can do is browse and not communicate unless they pay. Not that browsing is okay. It is not, to me that's as good as saying that they don't care about the relationship and it is only a matter of time before they stray.

The main idea is that the only way (if you don't have access to your spouses email) to find them on any one of these sites is to join yourself and conduct a search and continue to search in different ways and check the notifications the site sends to you.

So I'm sorry to say that you will need to immerse yourself in the world of unfaithful people in order to find anyone. You may decide that if you have to do that, it's not worth it and you may be right.

Until next time,

Jane

Where are Your Manners?

I received an email from Mate1 the other day and since I hadn't logged in in a while I did. I clicked on the members interested in me link and there was a list of about ten men running vertically down the page and what struck me as so odd was that the majority of them were wearing ball caps! Sure, I might talk to a man standing in line to pay gas or at the  grocery store that was wearing a ball cap and find him attractive but if every time I saw him his head was covered I would begin to wonder what was or wasn't under there and did he have any manners or would he clean up well for a date or social event.
Why would a man that knew he had one picture to try and catch a woman's attention and had possibly paid some money to do so would think that a small face picture of him wearing a ball cap was the very best picture and impression he could give?  Tthat doesn't say much, at least not to me as a woman.

More on Mate1 later.

Until then

Jane

Zoosk Thumbs Up or Thumbs Down

Due to the odd commercials for Zoosk,  if I were looking for a dating site for just that....dating, I wouldn't have chosen Zoosk. But since there are so many commercials I figured it's possible to find my husband lurking about, so I signed up.

The format is very good, it is the easiest so far to quickly browse through profiles.  You pick your search parameters and it brings up the first person, most have pictures. There is a forward and back button in the upper right hand corner and you can keep your mouse right there and keep pressing the arrow. If you see a profile that interests you you click the "see date card" button and the page extends with more info and then you can go right back to browsing. For myself I can cover a lot of ground in a short time.

As far as communicating with someone else, I haven't had to try that yet.

So for now, Zoosk is easy to navigate and as easy to sign up for as any of the rest of them.

Until next time,

Jane

Let's Shag at Shagaholic

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Caught Red Handed

The other morning I found an email that apparently my husband thought he had deleted, a welcome message for yet another online dating site. I was bitterly disappointed. It's a terrible feeling to see that he has the profile and then to read it and he says he is divorced looking for long term relationship. Is he just waiting until he finds something better and then he will leave?
My first impulse was to upload a picture of a donkey's ass as his profile picture, but I didn't, but I'm not through yet.
I'm trying to remain calm, I'm still not quite positioned for a confrontation. Soon, I'm hoping by August but if something comes up before I need to be prepared as much as possible.

This time I am as depressed as I was when I found the first evidence back in September of 2010...what does that tell me.  I guess the whole relationship has been a lie and if you could see how he acts with me, you would never imagine he was window shopping other women.

Oh well, until next time,

Jane

UpForIt knows How to Be Naughty at Benaughty.com

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A Few More Words About UpForIt.com

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Matchnet Online Free Dating Search Engine

If you were to go to matchnet.com and put in the right key search word and the right age group your search result would only be 8 men, one of them being my husband...with his picture even. Of course it is from 8 years ago before we even met.
Matchnet.com is a database of profiles from Spark network sites...or at least from Spark.com formerly known as Americansingles.com. You don't even need to be logged in to see the results. Of course if you want to see the entire profile of anyone you need to log in.
If you are searching for your husband online it's worth spending a little time checking it out. Depending on how good you are at online searches it may take a little bit to find results.

Hmmm...just saw a commercial for Ourtime.com...think I'll check it out.

Until next time,

Jane

Married and Still Looking

To continue with my Craigslist experiment of sorts....this afternoon I renewed or refreshed my posting, adding it back to the top of the list and received approx 30 responses already. A couple of things strike me about this. First of all I actually feel a bit bad for making some of these men  think there's a possibility of hooking up with someone, some of them seem so sincere.
Then there are the numerous men who contact me and openly admit that they are married but from the way their email is worded it sounds as if this is something they have done before. That  ring around their finger doesn't create any drag or friction at all. Amazing.
Then the last thing, and I may not be able to describe this very well, but as I read these emails it sorts of freaks me out that these are real people and if I were to contact them or go to Applebee's as one suggested...I would come face to face with person who is prepared to lube me up with a drink or something to eat and then rush me off to their hot tub or hotel room. Are hot tubs or tiki jacuzzis as one mentioned really a big deal or are they stuck in 1980's California.
Until next time,

Jane

I'm Looking at You Looking at Me

Still thinking about craigslist ads. The incoming messages subsided considerably, going from an impressive 80 the first 24 hours to a mere handful a day. One ad stuck in my head...he said that he had waited a few days to contact me in order to let all the spam emails come through so his wouldn't be lost in the crowd. Interesting.
Another plus to craigslist, in some ways, is that people can't see when you have read their ads or how many times you have read it. On all the sites I've been on, if you look a someone's profile they receive a message or are notified in some way that you did just that.
On the other hand, other than the emails I have no idea of how many times or who has looked at my ad.

Until later,

Jane

What Part Didn't You Understand?

I found an article on line last night, it may be a blog, I'm not certain, but what was interesting in that it was a woman talking about finding out that her boyfriend has an online dating profile. What I found interesting and sad, was that she states the obvious (and it seems it was difficult for her to act on too) that the very existence of the profile is all you really need to know. It is an absolute statement about the relationship....as in what part didn't you understand. And as I have said, it's not the understanding part that seems to be so difficult, it is the comprehending that sucks. Something like the shock you may have upon finding a stranger in your home. Most people are stunned for a moment their brains trying to make sense out of a senseless situation.
I suppose if I approached this situation with the same "I better make a move or my life may depend on it" attitude I would take on finding an intruder I would be better off.
Yes, (I was counting last night) it's been a year and a half since I found out about my husbands friendfinder profile. That's all there is to know. By sticking around all I've done is become sadder and angrier. Of course I'm not in a financial position to leave and that's what I've been working on since it is the only thing I can do anything about.
So, here is the article that inspired this rant, it's worth reading.
Here is a quote from it that descriptions that moment (with the intruder) when our brains are trying to sort it all out.
"What did I really do, when I discovered my boyfriend had an active online dating account (VIP membership, checked within the past 24 hours). I listened to his ridiculous story about how he’d prepaid for a year. And had just coincidentally looked at it the day before because they kept sending him email. Out of curiosity."