Preemptive Phone Call AKA Cheaters Do Not Disturb Sign

The phone call you make to someone in order to prevent a phone call later when you don't want to be disturbed or found out.
In retrospect my husband used to make these phone calls to me quite frequently. It wasn't until later that I realized their purpose. To satisfy me and keep me out of his hair.
Some years ago he was working in Kentucky for 45 days. Each evening when he got off of his 12 hour shift he would call me for a quick 5 minutes or so and then that was it. On other jobs he had been prone to call me as frequently as possible.
At the time it struck me as odd but later as I received more of those preemptive phone calls I realized that he had something going on there and called to assuage me and then be on his way for the evening.

After all of this time why am I dwelling on this now? Because 4 months after he has moved out I received one of these phone calls. He called to let me know that he was turning his phone off because he was going into a VA appointment. He's been to many VA appointments in these 4 months and we've never exchanged a word about them.  Weeks go by without us talking to each other and other than one phone call in these 4 months I haven't called him.

So why would he feel the need to call me to let me know he will be unavailable? You got it. My friend said I should have found a reason to call him, but why bother, he may make the mistake and think I care.

And, the next question to ask is why would he bother, why does he care to keep me on the hook or in dry storage!!!

This is the next question that so many people don't ask. The answer is in Chump Lady's post and reconciliation and entitlement.  If you haven't read it I suggest you do.

The only thing that this brings up for me is I always find myself wondering how much I missed in clues about his cheating ways before I really woke up.

Until next time
Jane

I Live on a One Way Street

Yes I do.
He can shop around and cheat, I wouldn't.
He can yell at me over the littlest things....I can never raise my voice.
It's all  my fault.....of course!!!!

He asked me if I knew how to do something with my computer....something I didn't do often but I did. So it was taking me a minute to remember the steps.
The fall out??? He starts yelling at me, furious, I'm so stupid and I never listen.
And....drum roll because from what I have read, this is the stuff from a cheaters endgame...."It's" all my fault.

Great, that means I don't need to remind him of appointments anymore....keep track of his obligations, tests, classes, his Mother!!!!

Why, the same day I was notified of my total incompetence I relieved myself of having to remind him of a payment he needed to make.....I remembered....hell, he didn't even understand the invoice when it was sent to him.  Late that night he said "I forgot to pay $$$$" and I looked at him and thought..."I didn't, asshole."

I've also stopped making decisions. Should we change out internet provided.....beats me....I'm no longer doing all the research and making all the phone calls and then having it thrown back at me later because it's not perfect.

Now, maybe I can devote more time to my life!!!

Until next time,

Jane

Keep My Family Out of This

I am amazed.
On the Cupid.com sites they often have little polls for the members to take, supposedly if you answer enough of them, they will give you more points on your account.

This past week I noticed the survey and it took me a few times for it to sink in, but the first question on the survey was this "Do you like your Mother-in-Law?"    WTF!!

Is the percentage of married members so high that it has become common, as in "try to make us believe this is normal"?

Until Next time,

Jane

You Have to Know When to Hold Them

Keep your cards close to your chest...isn't that what the gamblers say?

I know that there are people who scour the internet to see what is being said about their employers website, business etc.

In fact when I wrote about the poor search options on Adult Friend Finder I later found out they seriously improved them. Could one of the web scourers have found my blog post?

And in that  same vein, I have also bragged how I have been getting into my husbands other email by  signing in to a linked account. Well, guess which email service is doing away with linked accounts? Yep, me and my big blog mouth.

So, no more of that. Next thing  I know my husband will find one of my tips and maybe put 2 and 2 together.

Until next time,

Jane

What A Boob

Remember when I said my husband, Mr Low Tech, suddenly want a smart phone?

Well, I have used my new smart phone to keep up with my business, marketing and promotion. It's also a great mini GPS, phone book and well, I don't need to tell all of you the uses.

Out of curiosity I looked at my husbands browser and of course he always deleted the history but just by accident I found out that if he uses the voice search, that history is visible with the search app.

What did I found out? It it weren't so pathetic it would be funny.

My 50 something husband uses his smart phone to search for "big boob pictures". He calls me to see where I am, if I am not home and as soon as he hangs up he does his favorite search. Because he uses the voice search I have visions of him sitting on the couch speaking into his phone, carefully enunciating "big boob pictures."

I Love A Man in Uniform

On the UpForIt, BeNaughty, Shagaholic sites as you look at the search page there are ads for their other sites. The newest ad is "Do you want to date a man in uniform?" With pictures of young, fit handsome men in uniforms.  UniformDating.com

Myself, I've always had a weakness for a man in uniform, present husband included. And since my husband was/is and always will be, a Marine I figured I would check and see if he succumbed to his ego and joined that site.

Well, he hadn't but I had to laugh out loud.

Think about it, the 60 something, balding, paunchy man next door, probably served four years in the Army or Navy when he was 18. But unless he was a career military man or special ops, you probably wouldn't know it to look at him.  In other words, the profile list was the same as the other sites.

Possibly if you search through the 20 year olds you will find men in uniform that look like they belong in a uniform.

A Rose is a Rose By Any Other Name

Here is one reason why it is important to periodically recheck a search on any dating site that you have found your spouse's dating profile.

On a certain group of sister sites my husband has used the same screen name with a variation on numbers following the name. But the other day when I checked one of the sites his profile was gone.

Did he have a stab of consciousness or decide to mend his ways?  NOT!!!  He had changed the screen name on his profile.

If I hadn't done a regular search I would have missed it.

Never Enough Sex

I just published and answered a comment on one of my other posts. The man stated that those of us with cheating husbands are prudes and don't have enough sex with them.

If you read my response to this rude person I explained that my husband and I for years had plenty of sex every days. Hours of sex. Sex while watching pornography, sex in vehicles, sexy lingerie, all the blow jobs he ever wanted.

It wasn't until I found out he was being a jerk that I pulled back from  his sexually and even then not completely. If he asks, he gets it.

But a long time ago I stopped asking because I realized we had lots of sex....lots of sex, when and where and how he wanted it. The pornography we watched was always what he wanted to watch and the oral sex only went one direction. And during all that I was never kissed, or had my neck kissed or any of those things that make a woman respond with desire.


Cheating may be about not enough sex sometimes and I'm sure that if you asked my husband now he would say he doesn't get enough, but he can't recall that his actions are what caused me to not want to accommodate his every sexual desire.

I've seen ads on craigslist by men saying their wife doesn't have sex with them anymore and they are looking for someone to have sex with. One man talked about kisses and massages and oral sex.

I wanted to respond to them and say why don't you put some of that effort into your spouse and see if she doesn't respond.

Nuff said,

Until next time,

Jane

The Other Woman, Cell Phone, Email

Some of you may know the feeling you got when you found your spouses other cell phone or email. That sinking energy draining feeling of falling.

I had forgotten that feeling, I had become complacent because I have to admit that I would miss my husband terribly if he were gone.

But it all came crushing down on my the other day. He asked me to do something for him on his computer....even gave me the sign in and password to a new email he had to make for a particular site (a non dating site). Before I sat down to do it for him I had an errand to run. The feeling that sank into my gut as I was running the errand drained me. I had forgotten how horrible I had felt the first time I found the dating email in his "other" email. The email he had for 6 months before I found out about it.

I have been living in a delusion. He's been so good lately. To my surprise he had given up a weekly opportunity that gave him a chance to be online privately. The time he had been using to check his dating profiles, or make new ones. He had bought me gifts I had really been wanting. He hadn't bought me gifts in years.

Sure, I had fallen in to the luke warm, brain numbing waters of denial. I had fallen willingly.

But those awful feelings I had while running that errand. Later I found out that the new email really was new...only hours old. But of course that doesn't change anything.

Where do I go with this? I don't know.

Until next time,

Jane

Is He Cheating Using Mobile Device or Computer

Wonder if your spouse or boyfriend is using his cell phone to cheat? Have you already found one or some of his online dating profiles?

On some of the sites...next to the username there is a small graphic of a computer screen or cell phone. That tells you if your cheater is using his computer or has added the sites mobile option.

So far, my husband has little computers next to his cheater names. Now that he has a smart phone will those change?

Until next time

 Jane

Best Advice About A Cheating Spouse

The other morning I was thinking about all the cat and mouse hide and seek I have been doing across the internet with or about my husband over the past two years.

If I could do it all over again from the first email I found that said he had matches on friendfinder knowing what I know now, this is what I would have done. And here is my best advice if you find evidence of a cheating spouse.

In my case, an email leading directly to an online dating profile.....no doubt it was my husbands. If I had know then what the best move was by this point it would all be done one way or the other.

This is what I should have done. Instead of confronting him and listening to him lie and deny, I should have forwarded the email to my email account (as I did, so that I could easily log in using the link in the email) but instead of asking him about it I should have kept my mouth shut and watched to see what he did. Chances are he would have communicated with somebody and arranged a meeting, Then there would be no questions or wondering. It would be done.

Until next time,

Jane

Time to Come Clean

I had a moment today when I asked myself..."Did my husband really over explain why he was going to take a shower before going to work today?"  Really. I have never heard him give me reasons for showering. Red flag anyone?

Funny too, because the past few weeks he has been very nostalgic about when we first got together and how pretty I look in pictures and so on. And I have to admit that I did sit back and become a bit complacent......wouldn't it be so easy if he gave up his old ways and I could settle back down with the man I thought I had fallen in love with, but every so often the truth would bubble up to the surface and eventually and I had to remind myself of the facts. Multiple online dating profiles from before he met me and after. Those after he met me spanning over several years, the last few AFTER I told him it was unacceptable to me.

All I can do is enjoy what ever decent time we have together, not forget the truth and keep preparing. So that's where it stands today.

Until next time,

Jane

Who's the Chump Now?

I happened across an interesting blog written by a woman who was cheated on, got out of the marriage and survived.

One of the things she mentions is that the cheater marries because he needs something from "us"....I'll let you read the post

WHY DO CHEATERS GET MARRIED?

But what struck me in particular was the mention of the financial trap.

When I met my husband I didn't have a lot going for me as far as earning potential, but I had my own home, no other debt and a great credit rating.
Today, I have rotten credit, my home isn't paid off (as he promised to do but when he had the money for that instead he helped his family and bought sports cars) and I have enormous credit card debt.

I know I'm trapped and I used to think he just put his family before me, but today it gelled in my mind.....he only puts himself first and helping out his family was as much about keeping me in debt as anything else.

But since last year I've had a timeline, a plan for what steps I need to take in order to be independent.
Even if I don't leave right away I need to know I can.


Until next time,

Jane

Where is My Husband On Line?

I've mentioned before that if you have set up your own profiles on dating sites to be sure and check the emails they send to you in order not to miss one that may have your spouses profile featured in it.

Another reason to check these emails is this:  Each dating/personals site have their own graphics...the little picture of a heart, intertwined hearts, or other logo. They also have certain colors associated with their site and the set up of the profile pictures they send in the email are done a certain way. Some sites send a list style with fairly large profile pictures. Other send a grid. Some have thick blue lines between each profile...etc. You get the idea. Lastely, on each site, the "grayman" for those who don't upload a profile picture is distinctive. Some look like the generic hotmail man...or myspace man (of course the myspace has multiple men). Some are a gray shadow and so on.

One reason it is important to become familiar or pay attention to these differences is sometimes you can catch a glimpse of your spouses computer screen and if they are like my husband who is so smug that he thinks he's getting away with something they will look at their emails...or even possibly the site itself, while you are in the same room. So you catch a glimpse of an email he's looking at with rows of pictures....hmmmm, that's not facebook. Could me match or several others.

Right now my husband doesn't appear to be visiting the sites he had been for the past year, so I'm not stupid enough to think he has changed his ways, instead I need a clue as to what he is doing.

Yesterday he was looking at an email that sent rows of pictures, so as I was checking email this morning I was paying attention.

I also saw him signing up for a site and all I could see was a cartoon palm tree and it said "it's easy" and the grayman   looked like the msn man but two of them in bright yellow. Still haven't figured that one out.

Until next time....pay attention.

Jane

Not Enough Options

I wish I had more information on how to find a cheating spouse on craigslist, or friendfinder, but all I have is what I have shared so far......unless you have access to someone's email it takes a lot of online time, sorting and weeding out in order to get lucky enough to find out anything definite.

The extra Hotmail email my husband was using for all the online dating sites, over the last few weeks he has stopped getting much if any activity there. I've wondered if he has opened another alternate email address. It wouldn't surprise me since he has a habit of leaving additional email accounts all over the net. And some of the search engines I have mentioned, Pipl. Spokeo, zabasearch to name a few can't give me info on an person's email, if they don't put their real name on it when they register.

But the one thing I have learned is to wait and keep quiet. Eventually he will slip, or something else wil tip me off.

Until that happens,

Jane

Cheating Husband Finder

If only there was a search engine or data base that made finding online profiles from dating sites possible.
Apparently, several years ago there was one but I don't know if it actually worked. I suspect dating sites guard their privacy.

Though if I haven't already mention it and if I have, it's worth mentioning again, sometimes you can google a persons profile name or screen name. I happen  to know one of my husbands dating profile names and it does come up in a google search. Even a srceen name, or the first part of an email address....minus the @ and everything after that is worth a try.

Spokeo.com has a limited free search but you can search a persons email and see if they have several profiles. The free version only shows you a row of profile icons or pictures but no information, though sometimes you can figure these things out.

I don't know that a private detective could find out anyone either, but I don't know.

Just a few thoughts.

Until next time,

Jane

How to Find Your Husband on Craigslist

When I check the stats for this blog I can see the search words or phrases used and since so many of them are asking the question of how to find their spouse (mostly 'husband') on a particular site I want to reiterate the reason for this blog.

Though many of my posts are somewhat of a 'review' for the different sites I don't want anyone to get the idea I am advocating using them. If you  are single that is your business but note the warnings about scams, fake profiles and other pitfalls of these sites. Not that that is true of all of them.

But, back to what I am trying to say. My 'reviews' are to help other people figure out how to find spouses on these sites and also to realize how much their spouses may actually be able to do on some of them. There are some I have mentioned that all they can do is browse and not communicate unless they pay. Not that browsing is okay. It is not, to me that's as good as saying that they don't care about the relationship and it is only a matter of time before they stray.

The main idea is that the only way (if you don't have access to your spouses email) to find them on any one of these sites is to join yourself and conduct a search and continue to search in different ways and check the notifications the site sends to you.

So I'm sorry to say that you will need to immerse yourself in the world of unfaithful people in order to find anyone. You may decide that if you have to do that, it's not worth it and you may be right.

Until next time,

Jane

Plenty of Matures at Plentyofmature.com

Kick me while I'm down already. This morning, I check my husbands hotmail. account and messages from yet another Upforit affiliate, plentyofmature.com. So I checked the deleted messages and did an undelete and sure enough there was the confirmation email from where he signed up to the site.
This time, instead of him searching anywhere or within 100 miles of our home he is searching 100 miles from a large city on the other side of our state. Is he planning on moving some time soon? Is he hoping to hook up with someone so he has a place to go to? I don't know and feel so trapped, hurt and angry.

Anyway this is the same as upforit and all their other sites.
I feel like sometime soon he is going to yank everything out from under me. He's waiting on a large sum of money. That seems to me to be the opportunity he is looking for to bolt. He may also get a job transfer and I can see him "going ahead without me." Of course if that happens I'm not going to fight it.

Oh well,
Until next time,

Jane

Where are Your Manners?

I received an email from Mate1 the other day and since I hadn't logged in in a while I did. I clicked on the members interested in me link and there was a list of about ten men running vertically down the page and what struck me as so odd was that the majority of them were wearing ball caps! Sure, I might talk to a man standing in line to pay gas or at the  grocery store that was wearing a ball cap and find him attractive but if every time I saw him his head was covered I would begin to wonder what was or wasn't under there and did he have any manners or would he clean up well for a date or social event.
Why would a man that knew he had one picture to try and catch a woman's attention and had possibly paid some money to do so would think that a small face picture of him wearing a ball cap was the very best picture and impression he could give?  Tthat doesn't say much, at least not to me as a woman.

More on Mate1 later.

Until then

Jane

Zoosk Thumbs Up or Thumbs Down

Due to the odd commercials for Zoosk,  if I were looking for a dating site for just that....dating, I wouldn't have chosen Zoosk. But since there are so many commercials I figured it's possible to find my husband lurking about, so I signed up.

The format is very good, it is the easiest so far to quickly browse through profiles.  You pick your search parameters and it brings up the first person, most have pictures. There is a forward and back button in the upper right hand corner and you can keep your mouse right there and keep pressing the arrow. If you see a profile that interests you you click the "see date card" button and the page extends with more info and then you can go right back to browsing. For myself I can cover a lot of ground in a short time.

As far as communicating with someone else, I haven't had to try that yet.

So for now, Zoosk is easy to navigate and as easy to sign up for as any of the rest of them.

Until next time,

Jane