What to Say to My Cheating Husband

Last post I was angry, seeing red angry.
Today I am sad.
Most mornings I wake up sad. Sad settles in before I have a chance to fortify myself against it.
When I wake up it is very early so there aren't any outside distractions to chase sad away.
Nope, every morning I wake up and wade through an emotional soup of angry, sad, lost, hurt, frustrated and at some point I settle on one of them and have a minor melt down. Then I stand on top of all my feelings and jam them back into the place they hide all day.
And it all comes back to my husband. I was rereading a ChumpLady post this morning about what to say to your cheater. And she reminded me that there is no use in saying anything. They don't care!!!

I have been fighting the urge to say something to him. I hate keeping my mouth shut when I know he is online. Wouldn't it be funny to send little pop up chat messages to him from about 5 different profiles on the site saying things like "cheater cheater", "Hi 'his name'",   "say hi to your wife for me", "hey jerkface" and so on.

Or tell him I know you are still doing this. But he doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't have done it the first time and certainly wouldn't have continued to do it after I told him it was unacceptable. So there you have it.

I'm in the same stuck spot I was when I started this post.

Lesson learned?  The first time I should have told him to leave. That's it. No please don't do that, don't do it again. Nope, time to go, he knew from the beginning that that sort of behavior was a deal breaker.

until next time,

Jane

, Wedding Ring Blues Blue Jeans That IS

I do understand that some jobs and/or situations require my husband to take his wedding band off, working on the car...even at his work. What I DON'T understand is this:

If I had to take my wedding ring off for work, as soon as I left I would put it on. I feel odd without my ring on, though I do take it off at night, but to leave my house without it on is weird.

So, on the off chance he forgets to put it back on, as he says....he's in a hurry to leave, then why does he put it IN HIS POCKET when he gets dressed in the morning.

He leaves very early and it is dark. Since I've been staying in bed until after he leaves he puts the damn thing in his pocket and walks out the door.

Of course for 2 years now he has been forgetting to put it on as he leaves work. He stops at Best Buy, Lowes, for gas etc and prances about without his ring on.

For a few months he drove his corvette to work, back and forth 50 miles each way, without his ring on and his arm hanging out his window. (It was a 79 with no A/C).

His truck was acting up, I offered to let him take my car. Of course not (we're still talking 50 miles each way) better to take the chance on his truck not making it then to be seen in my car. May not fit in with whatever story he's telling 'someone.'

Until next time,

Jane

A Rose is a Rose By Any Other Name

Here is one reason why it is important to periodically recheck a search on any dating site that you have found your spouse's dating profile.

On a certain group of sister sites my husband has used the same screen name with a variation on numbers following the name. But the other day when I checked one of the sites his profile was gone.

Did he have a stab of consciousness or decide to mend his ways?  NOT!!!  He had changed the screen name on his profile.

If I hadn't done a regular search I would have missed it.

Cheating on the Go

There's a site Singlesaroundme that boasts an app for you cell phone that allows you to see on a map anyone from the same dating site that may be in the vicinity.

I haven't made a profile for this site as I don't use internet on my phone and wouldn't want that on my phone anyway.

Funny though, my husband Mr. "I only want to make phone calls on my cell" has transformed into Mr. "I want a smart phone." Hmmm. I can put him off for awhile but eventually he'll get one unless of course he has already bought a prepaid one. It wouldn't surprise me.

Just another way for creepy people to be just that, creepy spouses.

Until next time,

Jane

Adult Friend Finder Update

In my previous posts about AFF and their similar alias sites such as Adult XXX Date I had mentioned that the search was annoying because it only brought up profiles from the actual zip code you searched for, but for awhile now.....maybe they read my blog!!!....they  have updated their search options.

Now you can search within a zip code, your registered location or any location  and have the option for as little as 5 miles from that location up to  within several 10,000 miles.

Until next time,

Jane

Time to Come Clean

I had a moment today when I asked myself..."Did my husband really over explain why he was going to take a shower before going to work today?"  Really. I have never heard him give me reasons for showering. Red flag anyone?

Funny too, because the past few weeks he has been very nostalgic about when we first got together and how pretty I look in pictures and so on. And I have to admit that I did sit back and become a bit complacent......wouldn't it be so easy if he gave up his old ways and I could settle back down with the man I thought I had fallen in love with, but every so often the truth would bubble up to the surface and eventually and I had to remind myself of the facts. Multiple online dating profiles from before he met me and after. Those after he met me spanning over several years, the last few AFTER I told him it was unacceptable to me.

All I can do is enjoy what ever decent time we have together, not forget the truth and keep preparing. So that's where it stands today.

Until next time,

Jane

Not Enough Options

I wish I had more information on how to find a cheating spouse on craigslist, or friendfinder, but all I have is what I have shared so far......unless you have access to someone's email it takes a lot of online time, sorting and weeding out in order to get lucky enough to find out anything definite.

The extra Hotmail email my husband was using for all the online dating sites, over the last few weeks he has stopped getting much if any activity there. I've wondered if he has opened another alternate email address. It wouldn't surprise me since he has a habit of leaving additional email accounts all over the net. And some of the search engines I have mentioned, Pipl. Spokeo, zabasearch to name a few can't give me info on an person's email, if they don't put their real name on it when they register.

But the one thing I have learned is to wait and keep quiet. Eventually he will slip, or something else wil tip me off.

Until that happens,

Jane

User Name Look Up True Dater

There is a site I have run across several time  http://truedater.com/   TrueDater. Search for daters by username.  Pretty simple, you type in a username and if they are in their database a list of the sites, social and some dating sites shows up with a little of their info. At the bottom is a list of other screen names they are known to use.

Though the only way this will work well is if the info has been put in their. This relies on people feeding the site the info.

It's a place for some of you to start placing info you know is accurate. Or searching as well. Of course if a married person has a user name but never was found out for being a cheater they wouldn't be in the database.

And if the person cheated with may not care enough to complain.

I need to think about this more, there must be a way for people to put their spouses info out there and see if anyone else has more information.

Until next time,

Jane

Really, it's Not You, it's Me

How often have we heard (or used) that lame excuse to get out of a relationship. We all know it's a lie...okay, there may be a few instances where it is true.

Just the other week my husband was explaining to me a particular ploy that men use...it came up in regards to a woman in a relationship with a jerk. My husband told me that he's the type that stays with her to have a place to hang out and as long as it goes smoothly. Meanwhile he is looking for the next woman to get  with, maybe a better situation. I asked, why doesn't he just leave? He told me that "guys like that" will wait until the woman does something to make him mad so he can leave and say it was her fault.

Yesterday, we had an incident....a situation, a family situation. Nothing so awful really...no one else there thought it was worth calling it quits over or even really getting mad about. But I got mad (I didn't yell or scream) but I spoke up saying that he didn't need to act like an ass, he could have dealt with the situation better. So since yesterday afternoon  he has barely spoken to me and left for work today angry saying that what I had done was a deal breaker.

Of course, I got mad again and said if that was worth leaving over he was crazy, that if he thought that was bad how about multiple online dating profiles like he had?

So, I fully expect him to come home today and say that's it, we're over.  Just like the guy in his example, he has waited for me to do something so he can leave and say it was me.

Until next time,

Jane

Cheating Husband Finder

If only there was a search engine or data base that made finding online profiles from dating sites possible.
Apparently, several years ago there was one but I don't know if it actually worked. I suspect dating sites guard their privacy.

Though if I haven't already mention it and if I have, it's worth mentioning again, sometimes you can google a persons profile name or screen name. I happen  to know one of my husbands dating profile names and it does come up in a google search. Even a srceen name, or the first part of an email address....minus the @ and everything after that is worth a try.

Spokeo.com has a limited free search but you can search a persons email and see if they have several profiles. The free version only shows you a row of profile icons or pictures but no information, though sometimes you can figure these things out.

I don't know that a private detective could find out anyone either, but I don't know.

Just a few thoughts.

Until next time,

Jane

One Hotmail, Two Hotmail Three Hotmail More??

The hotmail account my husband has been using for the last 2 years is the one where I have found all the account details for his Up For It (and all their related sites) account info, the friendfinder info (which is what started all of this) and account info for XXXmatch.

Now all of a sudden there are no emails coming in  for any of those accounts. So the last few days I logged into several of them and checked the account settings. He did not unsubscribe or cancel the accounts but he did uncheck all the email notification choices. There has been no activity (on his part) so what does this mean?

Has he changed his ways? Not likely.
Bored with those sites where he can't really make any contact? Possibly
Met someone outside of his computer life?  Maybe
Opened a new Hotmail account? Quite possibly.
Felt a little guilty with Mother's Day on the horizon?  Unlikely, but maybe.


So I'm left with wondering if he has a new alternate email address or is logging in from his regular email and has opened accounts on new sites.

So once again I am back to square one am opening accounts on new sites and continuing to monitor the old ones.

Too bad I can't feel that maybe he has had a change of heart. But I know from before that even if he has, he will eventually go back to his trolling ways.

Until next time,

Jane

Finding on Adult Friend Finder

In my original post about AFF or adultfriendfinder, I mentioned that in the search options you were limited to the zip code your chose. Now, in all fairness I must update that to say that the site (and all their sister sites) have updated their search options.

Now you can chose to search within in several choices of miles from, your registered location or any zip code you like.

This makes it much easier to search an area with out having to plug in multiple zip codes, each one being a separate search.

Until next time,

Jane

Plenty of Matures at Plentyofmature.com

Kick me while I'm down already. This morning, I check my husbands hotmail. account and messages from yet another Upforit affiliate, plentyofmature.com. So I checked the deleted messages and did an undelete and sure enough there was the confirmation email from where he signed up to the site.
This time, instead of him searching anywhere or within 100 miles of our home he is searching 100 miles from a large city on the other side of our state. Is he planning on moving some time soon? Is he hoping to hook up with someone so he has a place to go to? I don't know and feel so trapped, hurt and angry.

Anyway this is the same as upforit and all their other sites.
I feel like sometime soon he is going to yank everything out from under me. He's waiting on a large sum of money. That seems to me to be the opportunity he is looking for to bolt. He may also get a job transfer and I can see him "going ahead without me." Of course if that happens I'm not going to fight it.

Oh well,
Until next time,

Jane

UpForIt Plus 1

Back to the UpForIt sites. In the beginning I thought I was being smart by using my husbands login to gain access to the sites and his profile because I found that if I didn't log out, even if I restarted my computer and went to the website I was still logged in. But then I realized that if I remained logged in as him and he logged in from one of his email notifications the site would create a second profile, sometimes with the same screen name but most of the time it used the same screen name and added an asterisk and a number. For instance  MyProfile2012  became MyProfile2012*1  or in a few cases several more numbers were added to the end...MyProfile20124256. Add to that if he has two profiles on one site with the same screen name but different log in emails, I can log in using the screen name or the email and still get different activity results for each. Sometimes I had the feeling that which profile came up was purely a roll of the dice.
And it wasn't just me (or rather him) whenever I did a 20 mile radius search I saw a lot of the same profiles but every so often I would see one with the little addition of *1. Then I wondered if that man's wife or girlfriend had done the same as I had and hacked into the profile or possibly the screen name owner stayed logged in on their personal computer and then logged in again at work maybe?   Hmmm, naughty naughty.

Still angry and siappointed,

Jane

Zoosk Thumbs Up or Thumbs Down

Due to the odd commercials for Zoosk,  if I were looking for a dating site for just that....dating, I wouldn't have chosen Zoosk. But since there are so many commercials I figured it's possible to find my husband lurking about, so I signed up.

The format is very good, it is the easiest so far to quickly browse through profiles.  You pick your search parameters and it brings up the first person, most have pictures. There is a forward and back button in the upper right hand corner and you can keep your mouse right there and keep pressing the arrow. If you see a profile that interests you you click the "see date card" button and the page extends with more info and then you can go right back to browsing. For myself I can cover a lot of ground in a short time.

As far as communicating with someone else, I haven't had to try that yet.

So for now, Zoosk is easy to navigate and as easy to sign up for as any of the rest of them.

Until next time,

Jane

Caught Red Handed

The other morning I found an email that apparently my husband thought he had deleted, a welcome message for yet another online dating site. I was bitterly disappointed. It's a terrible feeling to see that he has the profile and then to read it and he says he is divorced looking for long term relationship. Is he just waiting until he finds something better and then he will leave?
My first impulse was to upload a picture of a donkey's ass as his profile picture, but I didn't, but I'm not through yet.
I'm trying to remain calm, I'm still not quite positioned for a confrontation. Soon, I'm hoping by August but if something comes up before I need to be prepared as much as possible.

This time I am as depressed as I was when I found the first evidence back in September of 2010...what does that tell me.  I guess the whole relationship has been a lie and if you could see how he acts with me, you would never imagine he was window shopping other women.

Oh well, until next time,

Jane

Married and Still Looking

To continue with my Craigslist experiment of sorts....this afternoon I renewed or refreshed my posting, adding it back to the top of the list and received approx 30 responses already. A couple of things strike me about this. First of all I actually feel a bit bad for making some of these men  think there's a possibility of hooking up with someone, some of them seem so sincere.
Then there are the numerous men who contact me and openly admit that they are married but from the way their email is worded it sounds as if this is something they have done before. That  ring around their finger doesn't create any drag or friction at all. Amazing.
Then the last thing, and I may not be able to describe this very well, but as I read these emails it sorts of freaks me out that these are real people and if I were to contact them or go to Applebee's as one suggested...I would come face to face with person who is prepared to lube me up with a drink or something to eat and then rush me off to their hot tub or hotel room. Are hot tubs or tiki jacuzzis as one mentioned really a big deal or are they stuck in 1980's California.
Until next time,

Jane

I'm Not Your Typo

At least spell check or double check your profile description, nothing like bad grammer or a typo to turn someone off or make them think they can take advantage of you, because you're not too smart.
I know I have typos in my posts, but they are just that typos....I really think a lot of these are ignorance.

Here are a few examples.

"hi all im not sale at all" I'm not even sure where he was going with this one.

"I'm no angle, let's ride....."  This was in all caps too, so he was screaming his mistake.

"I'm looking for Intemacy 7 days aweek"

"i'm seeking a life partner .marriage is a real possibly..."

"I am curious to see if there are any real people on this sight."   And that's just a quick look, I could probably write a book and fill every page.

Until next time,

Jane

What Part Didn't You Understand?

I found an article on line last night, it may be a blog, I'm not certain, but what was interesting in that it was a woman talking about finding out that her boyfriend has an online dating profile. What I found interesting and sad, was that she states the obvious (and it seems it was difficult for her to act on too) that the very existence of the profile is all you really need to know. It is an absolute statement about the relationship....as in what part didn't you understand. And as I have said, it's not the understanding part that seems to be so difficult, it is the comprehending that sucks. Something like the shock you may have upon finding a stranger in your home. Most people are stunned for a moment their brains trying to make sense out of a senseless situation.
I suppose if I approached this situation with the same "I better make a move or my life may depend on it" attitude I would take on finding an intruder I would be better off.
Yes, (I was counting last night) it's been a year and a half since I found out about my husbands friendfinder profile. That's all there is to know. By sticking around all I've done is become sadder and angrier. Of course I'm not in a financial position to leave and that's what I've been working on since it is the only thing I can do anything about.
So, here is the article that inspired this rant, it's worth reading.
Here is a quote from it that descriptions that moment (with the intruder) when our brains are trying to sort it all out.
"What did I really do, when I discovered my boyfriend had an active online dating account (VIP membership, checked within the past 24 hours). I listened to his ridiculous story about how he’d prepaid for a year. And had just coincidentally looked at it the day before because they kept sending him email. Out of curiosity."

Hornymatches Who gets the most action?

On Hornymatches, you get two types of notification emails. One is a single view or message notification and periodically you get one one with a list of potential matches based on views to your profile.
With the one profile where I am a woman looking for a man I get daily single view notices, but with the profile where I am a couple looking for a woman I get almost daily multiple view notifications, hmmm, what does this say about the "looking for sex" population as a whole. Are there more swingers looking for unattached sex or singles.

Until next time or if I find the answer to the above question LOL,

Jane