You Have to Know When to Hold Them

Keep your cards close to your chest...isn't that what the gamblers say?

I know that there are people who scour the internet to see what is being said about their employers website, business etc.

In fact when I wrote about the poor search options on Adult Friend Finder I later found out they seriously improved them. Could one of the web scourers have found my blog post?

And in that  same vein, I have also bragged how I have been getting into my husbands other email by  signing in to a linked account. Well, guess which email service is doing away with linked accounts? Yep, me and my big blog mouth.

So, no more of that. Next thing  I know my husband will find one of my tips and maybe put 2 and 2 together.

Until next time,

Jane

Best Advice About A Cheating Spouse

The other morning I was thinking about all the cat and mouse hide and seek I have been doing across the internet with or about my husband over the past two years.

If I could do it all over again from the first email I found that said he had matches on friendfinder knowing what I know now, this is what I would have done. And here is my best advice if you find evidence of a cheating spouse.

In my case, an email leading directly to an online dating profile.....no doubt it was my husbands. If I had know then what the best move was by this point it would all be done one way or the other.

This is what I should have done. Instead of confronting him and listening to him lie and deny, I should have forwarded the email to my email account (as I did, so that I could easily log in using the link in the email) but instead of asking him about it I should have kept my mouth shut and watched to see what he did. Chances are he would have communicated with somebody and arranged a meeting, Then there would be no questions or wondering. It would be done.

Until next time,

Jane

User Name Look Up True Dater

There is a site I have run across several time  http://truedater.com/   TrueDater. Search for daters by username.  Pretty simple, you type in a username and if they are in their database a list of the sites, social and some dating sites shows up with a little of their info. At the bottom is a list of other screen names they are known to use.

Though the only way this will work well is if the info has been put in their. This relies on people feeding the site the info.

It's a place for some of you to start placing info you know is accurate. Or searching as well. Of course if a married person has a user name but never was found out for being a cheater they wouldn't be in the database.

And if the person cheated with may not care enough to complain.

I need to think about this more, there must be a way for people to put their spouses info out there and see if anyone else has more information.

Until next time,

Jane

Caught Red Handed

The other morning I found an email that apparently my husband thought he had deleted, a welcome message for yet another online dating site. I was bitterly disappointed. It's a terrible feeling to see that he has the profile and then to read it and he says he is divorced looking for long term relationship. Is he just waiting until he finds something better and then he will leave?
My first impulse was to upload a picture of a donkey's ass as his profile picture, but I didn't, but I'm not through yet.
I'm trying to remain calm, I'm still not quite positioned for a confrontation. Soon, I'm hoping by August but if something comes up before I need to be prepared as much as possible.

This time I am as depressed as I was when I found the first evidence back in September of 2010...what does that tell me.  I guess the whole relationship has been a lie and if you could see how he acts with me, you would never imagine he was window shopping other women.

Oh well, until next time,

Jane

Do You Know What Your Email Address is Doing?

How many people have used an email account and then just let it go. Maybe, like my husband, you needed an "alternate" mode of communication and making contact, so you opened a Yahoo or Hotmail email, used it for 6 months or 2 years and for what ever reason left it unattended, unopened and eventually forgotten. From my experience Yahoo, Aol, Juno, Hotmail and MSN email accounts don't close themselves.
If you can recall your secret answer or still have access to the email that you used for sending password recovery information you can get back into and use an old email.
Usually, only emails that have been sent to it recently are still in the inbox. Messages from more than a few months ago are deleted. Contact information remains, but you need to be careful when you re-access the mail because sometimes you are asked questions and if you answer certain ways you retain more information, other wise you are starting fresh. Which is okay unless you are trying to find information as discussed in this blog.

Until next tine,

Jane

Tracker Hacker

So I have a locating service on his cell phone. 99 % of the info I've gotten is that he is exactly where he is suppose to be when he is suppose to be there! In fact, there are even times when he could have hedged his time and told me he was still at work and been somewhere else for a half hour or or more and he didn't.
With one small exception and I don't know what to do with the info.
One day of the week he shoots off  to work, gets there earlier than usual and for a half hour before he goes in to work he's parked in the parking lot (it's a very large lot) and here's the issue. He's parked for that period of time in a totally different area than he usually parks in. On a different side of the building than usual, where different people would park than normally park next to him. See where I'm going  with this?
I suppose that next week I need to put something on the passenger seat of his vehicle and see if it is gone when he gets home. Maybe a small scrap of paper that would only be affected by someone getting in and out on that side. Something placed from the drivers side, so that it is between the passenger seat and the door and has to fall if the door is opened.

Until then,

Jane

Are You Married to a Cheating Spouse?

How do you find a cheating husband? A lot of ways. Today, I'm going to talk about free online people searches.
First of all I want to mention that if you do searches using any of these search options today...you need to repeat them occasionally. Information changes and I found that new information, screen names, email addresses don't show up right away. Oh, and sometimes they don't show up at all. My husband has an extra email address....or two or three, and they don't show up using theses options.
The other caution I will mention is that sometimes these people searches combine information of two people. So don't make a rash decision based on what you find until you have done more fact finding.

In other words, these ideas are just options and what you find may send you in a direction to find out what you really need to know.
If you google people searches you will come up with probably all these sites I'm going to mention. Why do I bother mentioning them? Because using them is part of my story and I want to give you my personal experience with them.
there is 123people.com, wink, isearch, radaris, pipl and spokeo that I have used the most.  And there is always good old whitepages.com, your basic online phone book.

Wink seems to base most of it's information on MyLife....which I know for a fact isn't always correct and you can't view the information anyway...unless of course you have a paid MyLife account.

123people.com gives you a lot of information for your search but obviously a lot of what you find is determined by the name you are searching for...how common is it...the size of the town or city and any other distinguishing details about a person. You can search by email, phone number etc.

I like Radaris...though it can be overwhelming it does give you a lot of information to go through.

I use Pipl.com and Spokeo.com a lot. Search for yourself and see how much information comes up (it's a good idea to do this periodically anyway) and see how accurate it is. Never correct anything by the links offered to you on any of the sites. A lot of the information these sites have are given to them...so don't make it easy for them to have your information.

One of the frustrations I experience is that a lot of the information returned is from social networking sites....and yes, I did find a myspace profile on my husband where he says he is single, but for the most part I'm hoping to find info on dating sites. I haven't found as of yet, a dating profile search engine. Though sometimes Google.com is the best way to go. google your spouses' email, screen name, even name plus location. I googled my husband friend finder profile name and came up with two hits.

The same as with the dating sites....using these search engines will give you information that can be ignored on other sites....screen names of other people come up here and you'll see them elsewhere. The same tip I gave you in a previous post.

Don't forget, if you have an experience I'd like to hear it and share the information or if you have a question you can send me a message and I'll answer it on my blog so everyone can benefit and you can remain anonymous.

Until then,

Jane

Adios Amigo or "That's Spanish for Adult FriendFinder"

This review/observation on the adult friendfinder sites will be about the rest of the alternate sites. That includes Amigos, French friendfinder, German, Asia, Italian,Portuguese etc....you get the idea. There are also Senior, BigChurch, Gay, Grad and MillionaireMate....how honest do you think those men are because in my experience women lie or hedge about who they are, their weight, age, whereas men lie/hedge about their accomplishments, income and job/military experience.
I have never checked out the Millionairemate site and there is this: I can see my husband putting his profile on their and stretching the truth about his income. Hmmm.

I've been on Amigos.com Senior and BigChurch...all of them similar to AFF. In my experience if you want to be able to make a genuine hook up without too many constraints, I would opt for friendfinder.

Maybe I'll check out Millionaire. I'll let you know.

Have a good weekend,

Jane

Password from Adult Friend Finder

So once I had access to his old email accounts, I would periodically check them and nothing new ever came into them except for the occasional offer by the provider. I wasn’t sure why I kept up the checks but I remembered something he had told me (see a lot of what I learned

 I learned from him) he told me that a man that communicates with a woman periodically is basically checking his traps….like a lobster fisherman….you set the traps and check every so often and sooner or later you will snag something.

That’s exactly what happened. We were working out of town and we had a few extra computers. One of the men working for us needed a computer and my husband sold him one of our extra ones for a good price. A day or two later “John” asked me if I could help him with the internet. Sure I said…..the upshot was that when I looked at his Internet Explorer toolbar…he had extra toolbars enabled, one was the aol and it said new mail for jsmith101.  Hmmm I thought. Anyway  I helped John in just a few minutes and as soon as I was alone back in our hotel room I went to Aol because I recognized that address as one of the ones on the list and I figured my husband must have been into it on that computer.

There wasn’t anything in the email but when I went to AFF to ask for a lost password, where previously it said no account in that email suddenly it was sending the password to the email address.

BTW, I learned to first ask to have a password sent to my own address to see if they say no such account or will send email with or without password, that way I know if it’s safe to query my husbands present address.

Back to AFF. Sure enough  login information was sent and within minutes I was looking

at a profile from August of 2004, location a suburb in Atlanta, Ga.

I've also learned not to react to that rush of adrenaline and reveal my hand. Wait for it to pass and think about the best thing to do.

The profile was from before we had even met, so I didn't mention it to him, instead  I used it for information. What was his title, did he give he actual physical stats (he did), no photo, and just what was he trolling for on Adult Friend Finder. 

I'll get into that tomorrow.

Jane

The Cycle of Infidelity

Within the first part of out relationship we were hashing out some of the issues that plague people of our age that have been previously married so while there was a shift in our relationship (that 100% trust of mine became guarded, but my affections only grew, bad combination.)

When he was’t out of town we were almost always together and live in a small town. I began to feel like as long as he was where I could see him……

Then he started working exclusively for one company which I had also worked for in a different capacity so I was able to go on those assignments and from those he started his own company and I always went. Gone was the "he’s out of town insecurities," but things didn’t stop.

And as with other problems and abuse it cycled and as I have already mentioned when we are in a good cycle or at least what I perceive of as a clean time when he’s not looking around, things are great and I wonder if maybe I was imagining things.

            Have you ever put poison on an ant hill and it disappears only to show up somewhere else? Well that is one of the stages of the cycle.  I’m pretty sure I’m on one or two steps behind him and then nothing. No activity, he seems like the paragone of virtue and it’s at this point that I wonder several things.

1.     Was I imaging it?

2.     Did he decide he couldn’t go through with it?

3.     Or the most likely one, did he sense that I was suspicious whether or not he knew how much I had figured out or not is up for debate.

By the way...we have just eased into this part of the cycle only this time instead of comforted I am increasingly annoyed and frustrated. More and more I feel like if I have to feel this way at all for any reason it's just not worth it. We'll see.

Searching Online Dating Profiles

My husband has several online dating profiles.

Here’s a tip.

If you decide to go the route of setting up your own profile in order to “watch” what he is doing, you may end up with profiles on sites that come in your email as references from sites you and your husband are already on.

If you decide to expand your net and sign on to these sites, as initially time consuming as it may seem, it is in my experience, a good idea to check ALL notifications you receive.

Here’s the situation: Most dating sites will send you an email “notification” that someone has browsed your profile, winked, flirted, hotlisted your profile, or sent you a message.

Since it’s possible that you don’t yet know your husbands profile name you need to look at all the profiles that interact with yours.

So you click on the login button and see that “LovesSking477” has winked at you and you know that your husband has never seen a ski in his life, so you can pretty well say to yourself “well that’s not my husband.”

Here’s the tip: look at the profile anyway….it will save you time in the future. “LovesSking477” picture and stats assure you it can’t be your man, but a few days later you are on AFF and you see “LovesSking477 and they don’t have a picture on their profile. Because you already checked them out on the first site you save that step here.

Spending a few minutes here and there, checking the notifications and “new members” will keep you current, save you time and prevent a possible ‘miss’ should your husband set up a profile on an additional site. In one case, I had set up a profile on FF, stopped paying attention to it and bam! Two years later my husband is browsing that profile with his new screen name based on his present computer brand. (I didn’t catch it at first because I didn’t keep up on the new members and notifications and only looked at the list view and didn’t check stats.)

What profile name will he use? Check my next post.

My husband has an online dating profile.

First a quick mention of my relationship with my husband. He was completely unlike any man I have ever been involved with, he’s very manly, assertive and a bit...okay a lot dangerous., Other men have great respect and fear of him, yet he’s funny, smart, attractive and I felt with him that feeling I had totally given up on ever feeling, that I had decided was a thing of fiction AND I completely trusted him.

Even after five years he still made me weak in the knees. If any of you have ever read any of Janet Evanivich’ books, he’s a mix of Morelli and Ranger without the sensitive understanding traits.

I’ve been trying to remember when I first thought something was wrong, he was working out of town (which he did sometimes for long stretches, and yes I knew it was legitamate), and I received in the mail the statement for a pre-paid credit card he has (and had long before I met him), there was a charge on  there for Adult Friend Finder. Because I couldn’t call him right then, I called the number on the charge and they confirmed that the account was opened in his email account. Okay, I’m going to put in (fictionalized of course) email accounts, because the information does become key as we go along.

The email was jsmith6606 (the numbers referring to the year and month he was born).

I was totally blown away, I was upset, crying and felt betrayed.

Before I was able to talk to him, I went to his email account for which I had the password, though I never went in to it. Of course the password had been changed. SO I went to Adult Friend Finder and opened an account….as I was to find out, most sites allow women to join for free and we have access to many more features than the male account holders.

Anyway, at this point I don’t recall if I searched the male profiles in the state I live in or the state he was working in…now I would know exactly what to do, but at that time and as upset and thrown off  balance by the situation I don’t think I was very affective in my search.

When I finally got in touch with him he told me one of the guys who was on the job with him didn’t have a credit card and wanted to open an account.

Without going into details…..with the work he did and the type of men he worked with this is entirely believable. And at the time because I didn’t find any profiles that fit his physical description I chose to believe him and a few days later when I went to AFF and did an account password recovery it said no account for that email.

It used to work like this…you went to their login page, forgot password and entered the email the account was opened under, if there was no account for that email that was the response, otherwise it said “password sent to jsmith6606.” Since then things have changed for most of these sites.

As I go along I will follow the progression of my relationship and suspicions and will also give you a lot of information on these online sites and if you are single and have a good reason to put your profile on one of them, maybe my experiences will help you pick the one best suited for you.

Prologue to A Blog

Basically this blog is the dark side of my marriage where I suspect my husband has periodically been “up to something” but haven’t been able to pin it down,  Has he cheated, has he just toyed with the idea? I’ll talk about what has happened and what I have done with my suspcsions. Maybe some of you out there will relate. Maybe in all this I will give some of you information from my experience that will help you in yours. I have learned how to get on and search the online dating sites,  the ones with the easiest to navigate search options and the best way I have found to search.  I will tell you about the types of men I have come across on these sites and how the profiles seem to run. No, I haven’t connected with any of them because I’m only looking for one man on them, my  husband.

Some of you are gong to want to smack me on top of my head and say “Wake up!” because some of this will seem so obvious to you. And I say, it’s always easier being on the outside looking in, when you’re in the situation it’s entirely different.

I’ve gone back and forth about doing this blog but in the end thought it might help me organize my thoughts. When things seem okay or even good I wonder if I was imagining things or maybe there was some explanation, but of coarse there isn’t. I’m bound up by circumstances and a lack of “in your face” proof. It reminds me of a story.

About twenty years ago or more, I lived in an older home in a mid western state…it was getting cold outside. I had a large orange cat. I walked into the old style farmhouse kitchen, he was lying on the kitchen floor and as I watched, a small mouse ran from behind the back door to the back of the refrigerator. I stood their with my mouth open as my cat glanced over his shoulder with a stupefied expression like “Huh, did I miss something?”  I think of that cat often because that’s how I have felt about this, like I just missed it, more of a feeling than a fact, until recently.

           
But I have found some proof, not on infidelity but of online profiles. I will share more on Monday.


Jane